The Underwood Family

Missionaries to Argentina

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10 Manly Things my sons should know before leaving my house… And I am responsible for teaching them!

I have often taken for granted the knowledge that my dad passed down to me through just watching him work in the garage, in the back yard, or even getting ready in the morning. I don’t remember dad saying, “son, let me show you how to check the oil.” Rather, I just remember wanting to be where he was and doing what he did.

The generation in which we live now is much different than the one I grew up in. As a matter of fact, it is more common today to find that “dad” is no where to be found and young men are being raised by mom or grandma. This is even more a reality among the Xhosa people here in South Africa where we minister.

I now have a 10 year old, a 5 year old, and a 2 year old; all boys! I praise the Lord for them! I enjoy hearing them wrestle. I enjoy watching them pick up rocks, or make “stick knives.” I’m glad when they walk in with a scraped up knee from jumping off something they probably shouldn’t had!

I am also very concerned about them being prepared for life! A life, that in many ways, is harder than what I live with. A life that because of society, dilutes and minimizes the importance of being a man. With convenience at our fingertips, safe spaces in which to retreat, and regulations that prevent hurt feelings; is it a wonder that no one knows how to do anything for themselves?!

Below are 10 basic lessons that I want and purpose my sons to know before they leave my house:

  1. Proper personal hygiene. Your body is the temple of God, you are not your own, you are bought with a price! Take care of yourself! There is absolutely no reason at all that a young man should not know how to wash, shave, put on deodorant, or brush his teeth! But these are things that must be taught and I have a responsibility as a dad to teach my boys!
  2. Iron your clothes. Granted, I have a loving, caring, serving wife; and she will make sure that my pants and shirts are ironed! That does not give me an excuse not to know how, and know how to do it right!
  3. Make your bed. Long before the Army taught me to make a bed so tight that you could bounce a quarter off, and long before I knew that the collar of the sheets should be 6 inches in width; my mom and dad taught me to make my bed! I remember as a kid, my favorite part was tucking my 45 degree corners and seeing a crisp, tight crease at the foot!
  4. Cook on a charcoal grill. One of the ways my dad and I bonded was around the grill or in the kitchen. He enjoyed cooking. He really enjoyed smoking meat! I remember on Thanksgiving and Christmas, people from his work placing orders for him to smoke turkeys. Some of the best advice and conversation I ever had was around some hot coals. These are memories that I carry with me to this day!
  5. Drive a manual transmission. “If you can drive a stick, you can drive anything!” These words have stayed with me my whole life. He also taught me, “in most cases, you don’t need 4 wheel drive if you can drive a stick!” That hasn’t always been true for me, but mostly… 🙂
  6. PMCS (Preventative Maintenance Checks and Services) on your car. Again, before the Army showed me how to do PMCS on HUMVEES and the old k5’s; dad and I were working on old CJ 5’s and CJ 7 jeeps. Check the oil, make sure there’s coolant in the radiator, brake fluid, and if you’re fortunate enough, power steering fluid!
  7. Sharpen a knife. This one is a big deal for me, because I love knives! Knives are a tool. They are one of the oldest tools man has been known to use. Today, people think you are crazy if you carry a pocket knife…until they need to cut something, then they ask “anyone have a knife?” I like to carry an opinel #7 because of the good steel (high carbon), the open and close lock position, and they run about $10, so if you lose one or break it, it’s not a big deal. However, a dull knife is a dangerous knife! Learn to keep it sharp! And with certain steels, keep them oiled.
  8. Kill, clean, and cook something. Anything! A fish, a deer, a rabbit…anything! You will appreciate everything about it more! I still remember the first fish Peyton caught. We were with my friend Nathan Gregory in Michigan. It was a great day for Peyton, it was a better day for me!
  9. Accept responsibility, and learn to apologize! Unfortunately, today, everyone else is to blame, someone else owes you something, no one knows what personal responsibility is. When other’s money is used up, when “free” whatever is gone; what will you do? Take responsibility for yourself! Learn to say, “I’m sorry.” Usually, many of our problems can be quickly and quietly fixed with those two words. I think there’s a verse in the Bible about that… “A soft answer turneth away wrath:”? Proverbs 15:1
  10. Teach others also. 2 Tim 2:2 is the crux of my ministry philosophy. Pour my life, bible, character, faithfulness, service, etc. into young men that will be able to teach others as well! Your greatest disciples are your children…teach them! I want my sons to know how to do these basic things as men, but I also want them to be able to teach them to their sons one day! If we are to continue long after we are dead and gone, then the torch must be passed from generation to generation!

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Book Review: Shepherding A Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

The premise of this book is to lay the foundation of biblical discipline and childrearing within our families. This is a book that has as much advice concerning our relationship with our spouses and the role each one plays in raising children, as it does in the directing and instruction of our children. When we understand that behavior is a matter of the heart, that there are influences that shape our hearts, we are created to worship (God or idols), and what role we play in authority; then we can begin to set realistic goals for ourselves and our children.

Biblically, from the womb we are sinners. We sin because of who we are, sinners; we are not sinners because of what we do, sin. So many times as a parent, my reaction to bad behavior only serves to address “what” happened, instead of “why” it happened. When I correct my son for the “what” that he did wrong, I miss an opportunity to address the “why” he did wrong, and therefore miss an opportunity to show him the gospel. Jesus often charged the Pharisees of this as well. Outwardly, they would do the “right” things, but inwardly their hearts were deceitfully wicked. When we only address the behavior itself, and not the reason for the behavior, we teach our children to have a form of godliness but denying the power thereof.

We must also take into account several shaping influences that further explain why we respond or do not respond to correction. To name a couple, “family values”, and “family roles” helped me to be aware of some mistakes that I have made and to personally develop methods of better parenting. Concerning family values; we must ensure that we are not setting the precedence that tangible things are more important than simple obedience. Do I discipline my son when he causes an inconvenience to me or property, or because of his disobedience to my authority and to God’s command? Furthermore, the role that I play within my family should complement and not contradict what my wife’s role is. Our combined role within the family should display harmony and likemindedness concerning matters of discipline, authority, and decisions.

The most important lesson of this book addresses how our children (and us) view our relationship to God. Taking the example of Joseph; his shaping influences were not in his favor. However, his relationship with God revealed love, mercy, and grace that molded him into a leader that actively proved these very traits. Ensuring that we cultivate a relationship with our children to desire the things of God, it becomes easier for us to display the attributes of God during childrearing. When they see that we obey God and are used as His instrument in raising them, they understand that their disobedience is not toward us, but toward God Himself. It is important that our children know that they are disobeying God when they sin, we are His instruments for correction and instruction, and that He wants to restore a personal relationship with them. This helps them to better understand the consequences of their actions, and cultivates a desire to obey because it pleases God who loves them.

Understanding that God is my authority, and He has given me the responsibility to carry out His commands, instructions, and disciplines, helps me understand how to provide direction under His authority. It cannot be simply, “I am dad, and what I say goes.” It must be, “God desires obedience, I am accountable to Him, and must carry out His instruction.” When I align myself biblically as God’s instrument in childrearing, it changes the way I communicate with my son, discipline, encourage, instruct, and guide him from childhood to adulthood. I cannot simply get angry because I am not getting what I want from my son, but that because God is not being honored in his actions. It is not a contest between obeying me or obeying God. It is simply, God is not obeyed when I am disobeyed, and God is not honored when I am not honored. We must insist on obedience to God because obeying Him is good and right.

Simply put; my expectations of obedience, my role in discipline, my responsibility in raising my children are in fact not mine at all! I am blessed of God to rear and raise children. My role is to be His agent to carry out His authority, and to direct the hearts of my children toward the Father. Our responsibility to our children is to show them their Creator, to worship Him and not self, and to lead them to a place of restoration to Him because of their sin nature. The greatest desire I have as a father is to see my children come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I must always be careful to not supersede His authority with my own in the eyes of my children. They must see Christ’s attributes in my life, and know that He desires a personal relationship with them. To biblically model this, I must also remain sensitive in my obedience to Him, and teach by example, obedience to my children to Him also.

Stephen Underwood
Acts 20:24
www.stephenunderwood.net
Loving God
Others First
Vision for the World
Enjoying Life